To Nicki

I don't care who reads this. This was my secret LJ between me and Nicki. But it must die too. She did the same for me, and since she's on less, my chances of seeing a new post from her are greater than vice versa.

But this is what I wrote to her.
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Yes I know that I said the previous post would be the last post.

But I need to tell you things before this one dies.

It is hell, for one.

I mean, it seems like whatever aristocratic rage your parents had at my EXISTENCE was unleashed, and now my parents are pissed. So is Julian.

Julian gave the money back to you. His witness is Rachel, but I'm going to pay them the $10 so that your parents won't look at him as "trailer trash" anymore. But as you said your Dad said, that won't help his situation entirely. I know he won't change for your parents.

As for me?

Heh...it's strictly pass or fail with them, isn't it? And they've been hiding the graded test from you until now. I knew they didn't like me at all. I could tell right from the start. I knew I probably would end up hating them back, but I tried desperately to put aside the differences. I mean, I tried helping you guys work outside, yard things, the shed (if not slightly), my driving you everywhere, I daresay this accumulates just like your praents' rage.

All my knowledge that they looked DOWN on me, I knew about. Not by words, no. I doubt that they'd say all that to my face. To maintain the illusion that the family is perfect, as you told me once before, a long time ago. I tried desperately to tell you this, I tried to tell my friends. None of you believed me. Not even you.

Until now.

Their words cut to my core even deeper than my rejection of Project Close-Up. Your flute situation, I have no idea how that happened. I assumed it was behind your purse. Even I remembered my instrument! :p

So I'm not rich enough for a good car, so what? I do the best with what I have. They say I emotionally abuse you? Of course you're not gonna agree on every thought I have, and I may get frustrated, but I am not in any way hurting you on purpose! So you didn't call them, what would they have done? Nothing, that's what. We'd get a ride to NU but my car would be towed. And that's what they want, isn't it? For me to stumble so badly that I'll never be able to get up, is that it? Their words of kindness, their generosity in sharing their house, their food, their time with me, all just courtesy! Courtesy that I'm sure killed them inside to do for a man of a "lesser class".

My parents want me to break up with you, they say you're manipulative. I did my best to stand up for you, I told them that I knew you weren't manipulative, that you were just bossy in some days, but that is to be expected. I told them you weren't like that at all, and whatever girl they could ever suggest was what they wanted me to avoid. In church today, during the sermon, they taught that love is based on commitment, not feeling. If such is the case, then I am in love, and I am not going to let go willingly.

I have no idea what's gonna happen next. Perhaps your parents will go as far as to never let me see you again. Maybe they've already started. But I will not let that happen. I don't think you will either.

I am going to show everyone. I am going to tell them what happened, about how I was right all along, about how they are treating us so harshly, about why your options in life will be limited from here on out.

I may be a simple man, but I am a damn powerful one, physically and mentally. This crisis is the obstacle I must surmount to prove this. You know that when I set my eyes on a goal, I'm like a freight train. I go hard, I go fast, and in time, I will arrive.

As for tonight, I'm not naive enough to think that your parents will let you go with Sarah to St. Charles Haunted House. They know I will try to find you, and I'm sure they think I am some sort of creepoid.

I just want you to know that through all this, I still love you very much. If we stick together through this I do believe that we can make it through this crisis, and things will go back to normal. And maybe one day your parents will not see me as a lesser being, but a guy who, despite hating them on nearly every bit of parenting they do, still wants them to be nice people and for everyone to see each other in a better light, even though they may view us as the enemies here.

In closing, I am not sure whether I am to be hurt by their accusations and words, or joyous that I was right all along, or enraged and wanting to boil their seas with tar and blow out their sun like a candle. I have been guided by my intuition through all of this, but now my senses are hidden from me as to the future.

But know that I love you deeply, and I will see you soon.

With all the love that I possess,

-Josh.
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